09 August 2007

You've already tried that

It’s remarkable what a massive effect sleep has on my ability to cope. Last night I was the last to fall asleep and the first to wake up. Bruce is on holidays and Amy left today. I walked to work feeling somewhat euphoric for having managed to not only get myself out of bed but bathed and combed and fed and out the door.

Things are much less euphoric at the moment. I’m accidentally smiling at strangers – people who work on our floor but have no reason to acknowledge me – who return the gesture by looking straight through me.

I’ve also been getting this sick feeling of humiliation in the pit of my stomach which I used to get when I was a bit younger and felt I had no handle on myself or my environment. I think it might have something to do with catching an unbearable sense of our mortality and how pathetic that really is. All this sitting around and feeling badly and digesting and trying very hard not to let boundaries bleed together or do or say something inappropriate.

Anyway, despite it all, somewhere in the back of my head is the knowledge that these are and have been the happiest days of my life. There’s no reason to get all bent out of shape about life just because you’re overtired. Someone should write a book that contains such obvious lessons. Mine would go something like:

- If you leave things out and don’t put them away, the house will get messy

- The alarm is set to go off at the precise time you need to get out of bed

- Eat that and you’ll regret it

- But he loves you

- They’re not thinking about you – everyone only thinks of themselves

- Remember to floss

So all houseguests have officially come and gone and it’s back to life as usual. Something I’ve realised in the past few months – I don’t miss home anymore. My home is here.

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