That bubble guy

The more you open your eyes in certain situations, the more you realise what a shark tank you’ve landed yourself in. I think I’ve come up with a good philosophy about why we work:

If you’re not in it for the work (-enjoyable work)

If you’re not in it for the people (- good people)

If you’re not in it for the prestige, whatever that means for you (- prestige)

And you’re not even in it for the atmosphere (- atmosphere)

Then surely you must be in it for the money (+ £/$/€, etc.)

If you ever find yourself in this position, then you need to decide what your soul is actually worth. Because once you agree to do a job that offers nothing but a paycheque in return, you can kiss your soul goodbye. So you may as well be raking in the cash!

I’m not raking in the cash yet, though I’m up by 5K this year, provided I hit my targets (*gag*).

Moving along, quickly now

Some days I think that it would only take one person to crack one smile for no reason in order for everyone in the world who is capable of smiling to smile also. And then those people would help those who were incapable of a smile to do the same, and by the time you know it – world happiness! It’s different to world peace, but just barely.

Maybe that smile does exist, but it’s flattened by a heavy concrete building, and it would take the strength of a million people to lift that building off the smile before anyone could see it. And all that exertion would make it difficult for anyone to smile back, so - Fingers and toes! – everyone would give up and let go.

X Factor – an overview

WHATSHISNAME, THE ‘ATTRACTIVE’ HOST
Welcome to another week of X-Factor! You know the drill, and I wouldn’t even be here were it not for the fact that Ms. Minogue needs this small window of opportunity to apply her prosthetic nose and whoa, okay, here come the judges!

SIMON
I hate you all

WHATSHISNAME, THE ‘ATTRACTIVE’ HOST
Louie, why don’t you introduce your act?

LOUIE
Oh why bother, we all know Rhydian is going to win! Fine, here’s Nikki. Remember Nikki? The lunch lady with zero charisma? Yeah? Well she doesn’t need a LION or a CLOWN to prove her worth! She is poor though, so please vote for her.

NIKKI SINGS A B-SIDE TRACK FROM A DEFUNCT 80S BAND AS ONE OVERSIZED BREAST SLOWLY WORKS ITS WAY OUT OF HER UNFLATTERING TOP

STANDING OVATION FROM LOUIE AND THE VISITING PATIENTS FROM PSYCH WARD UNIT 2 WING A17

SIMON
I hate you

DANI
I love me

SHARON
I don’t give a donkey’s, I’m not even in the competition!

LOUIE
Did I mention she is poor and really, really wants to win?

WHATSHISNAME, THE ‘ATTRACTIVE’ HOST
Okay, moving along, it’s the Scottish kid from Scotland, the next Harry Connick Bubble Maker…Leon!

LEON TREMBLES AND MUTTERS SOMETHING INTO THE MIC

SIMON
I hated the beginning, the middle and the end, though I really enjoyed that bit when your dancer bent over backwards and I could see down her top. You’re getting better and better, week on week.

SHARON
I like your shoes! Aw, don’t cry poor boy. Remember, Harry Bubbles Jr. invited you to sing with him in that spot about Harry Bubbles Jr. We didn’t pay him to do that!

LOUIE
Nikki is starving, people, she hasn’t even had lunch today! Why can’t you just vote for her already?!

DANI
I like your shoes also AND I think you’re really great. And so does Michael Bubblehead, whoever that is.

WHATSHISNAME, THE ‘ATTRACTIVE’ HOST
Aw lad, don’t be upset. Remember when Michael Bubbleblower invited you to sing with him onstage? There’s a good boy, buck up now!

LEON
I didn’t do that well this week but I really like jazz and Michael Bubble-lake has been my hero since I was two days younger than I am now and Michael Bubble-lake invited me to sing on stage and Michael Bubble-lake promised I would sell a million records…

GOD STRIKES LEON DEAD, NOT FOR WORSHIPPING FALSE IDOLS AS SUCH BUT FOR BEING SO BLOODY ANNOYING

WHATSHISNAME, THE ‘ATTRACTIVE’ HOST
Well, that’s all the time we have for this week. Tune in for the finale when one of our dancers is sure to do a spin that shows her pants. Goodnight Great Britain!