29 December 2009

Safely you'll abide

Hello introspection; it’s been awhile. It may be a while longer, as I can barely distinguish gumballs from lip balm these days, let alone bisect the double helix of thought and action.

After Bruce went to bed, I found myself uncommonly relaxed and coherent, so when the neurotic avis of ‘what next?’ finally emerged on a branch to swoop down and begin its tired circling of my brain, I knew that what I wanted to do was to sit down and write something for Friday Films. What can I say? Old habits die hard.

Nowadays, most of us run to tell the Internet straight away when something we deem significant takes place, and although I won’t disparage anyone of this creed (glass houses), I do feel that full disclosure is the last thing on my mind when the careless sleeve of universal chaos brushes the delicate orbit of my tiny world and sets it spinning much too quickly.

No really: what am I trying to say here? This may be my current terrified self trying to channel its blundering, reckless voice of years past in order to make one last go of pigeonholing experience so that I can pretend for a few minutes that I’m in control of anything. I think it’s the feeling of control I miss most in this chapter.

Things that are different for me now include: fear, unconditional love, conditional love, acceptance and even perspective. The first three make it very difficult for me to want to open up about any of it, whereas the last two render the attempt itself unnecessary.

Which leaves me precisely where I started off in this post: I don’t really have anything to say here, at least not in the manner to which I’m accustomed. I’m perfectly okay with that. But I do miss this activity an awful lot when I remember to.

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