10 things about me, some of which are true

(Thanks for the idea, Lass)






1. Once when I was three, I accidentally grabbed a gay man’s bare scrotum and made him scream.

2. My eyes are actually two different colours, blue and brown, but I wear a brown contact lens because of the stigma (not of the eye variety). When you’re shorter than everyone and plump and talk too much, you can’t afford to be different in any other way. I probably would have chosen blue but back then, they didn’t have that wild colour pixel technology that could make a lighter coloured eye out of a dark-coloured one, and by the time they did, I was already stuck with brown.

3. I saved a napkin used by Tom Cruise at Burger King whilst I was on holidays with my parents in the States, but only because my mother said I should. My dad threw it out by mistake when he was cleaning my room because it looked like any other used paper napkin.

4. I won a story-writing contest when I was thirteen years old but couldn’t collect the prize because the contest was for Best Short Story by a New Writer Over Fifty and I would have had to go to Montana to collect it and my father wouldn’t go on my behalf.

5. I can tie a knot in a cherry stem with my tongue.

6. I have a phobia about toe-nails which is why I rarely cut mine. It got so bad that I couldn’t even look at my own feet and had to invent ways of wearing black opaque tights at all times, even in summer. I’m planning to work through these issues with a therapist, among other issues I haven’t spoken about to anyone.

7. I’m not a very good liar.

8. I excel at telling tall-tales.

9. Right now, at this very moment, I am writing an entry called “10 things about me, some of which are true” in the bathtub on a tiny laptop Bruce stole from work. It’s perched on my knees, which I’ve carefully dried, and I don’t think I’d get electrocuted if I dropped it in the bath water because a) I wouldn’t be capable of destroying a piece of property that wasn’t mine and b) even if I was, it isn’t plugged in.

10. This bath is hot, I’m getting out now.